asadexistence's Journal

torn apart, sewn together
so ive been rethinking everything lately. there are two females right now that are completely making me miserable. theyre making me miserable because i see no reason in pursuing either one, yet at the same time i dont want to stop. should i name them? by naming them i solidify them into my life, by keeping them nameless i keep my dignity by not looking like a chump (more like keepin my cowardice by not sharing who they are and letting their identities remain a secret).

anyways, one of them ive had on/off feelings for for a little over 2 years now. i find her amazing as i am constantly wanting to impress her and yet remain unable to. it makes the pursuit that much more fun and yet irritating at the same time. im constantly looking for her approval though i know i dont need it. she makes me feel great about being a dork/idiot yet sad about not pushing myself harder when it comes to working.

the other one is plain cute, and ive had the typical high school crush on her since junior year. with her, i try to prove that ill always be there for her, that no matter what ill protect her when she needs it and give her my hand when she reaches out. shes opened up to me and i to her, though i hav a funny feeling itll remain in the 'just friends' position for eternity. things with her are always so amazing, because she completely accepts me for who/what i am, even all my wrong doings.

anyway, these recent exposures have shown me that emotions are beyond confusing and that it remains stupid to force them on ourselves. im not desperate, and i dont fall for everyone i meet; i mean, its not like im throwing myself out there just for the sake of a relationship, im doing it because a) these affections are real and are not forced out and b)ive never been in a real relationship and im curious. id like to know peoples reactions to this,so please respond and ill keep in contact!

Current Mood: cheerful

meh
been bored a lot lately. when i went into my strength development class i pissed chris and eddie off. chris says he knows whats best, but i want to push myself. that was wednesday. had a nice lil chat with chau that night that will never be repeated to ANYONE! jenn stayed home thursday, which pissed ME off cause she acts like she rules the house. went to indy during their lunch and handed ngoc her poster. she seems to have changed so much since i last saw her, but then again i barely got to know her then, so yeeeaaa. met up with tung as well, and i have to say i really missed that bastard! wondering if hes headed out to warped tour and if so if he wants to chill together over there. that night i chilled with trinh. i missed her so much. i havent seen her in what felt like months, and she had a surprise waiting for me; a RECORD OF THE POLICE!!! (for those of you who dont know, theyre a band). she was worried i wouldnt be able to use it, but luckily i have myself a phonograph!!! w00t! had another unexpectedly opening chat with her, much like i did with chau. its really interesting at how much these two affect my life. that night we went out to get some ice cream, i called up work to ask for the next night off or switch shifts. i was able to switch with someone working booth in the morning. the next day i woke up at like 7, and didnt have work til 10:45. of course me being me. i left at 10, got there at like 10:10, but the other manager didnt show up (well, she was locked in the office and no one knew it cause we cant disable the alarm to get in there). work was rather calm and all, and seemed to go by slowly but smoothly. someone ate the ice cream i had bought natalie and all, so i had to run out to mcdonalds again. i show up to her house and meet her mom and sister. gotta say, shes got a cool family compared to my other female friends who have all treated me like crap cause they think im trying to get their daughter pregnant and all (ambers been the only exception). went home, kicked back two shots of crown without feeling a thing. talked to ngoc for a while and told the whole crappy bit about my luck with the ladies. so far shes the only one ive told who hasnt laughed at me in the end. checked the fridge and someone drank the goddam unopened sierra mist that lance left. according to everyone, no one drank it, yet almost half of it is gone after it was unopened when i left.

its been hella long.
Allow me to start this with a note of disclaimer. I mean no offense to anyone with the following, and everything I write here must be taken into account. Thank you and I hope you continue reading.

Now that that's over allow me to truly start with an apology. For one reason or another I have not gained trust. Why this is, I don't know. I guess it might be because I'm too open with people and it scares them away from trusting me, or that it's the fact that I misconstrue things which leads to worry and me blowing things out of proportion. This will not be in defense of either as I know I tell too much about myself from the getgo and that I worry and jump to conclusions too fast. I just wonder because it seems though I am constantly opening up to everyone, it seems that no one is opening up to me. I know myself that as of right now I want people reading this. I want as many people as possible to know more about me, because I feel there is a lack of understanding. For example, there are only four people besides my family that I will ever openly say I love unconditionally and it's because they are pretty much the only people who have opened up to me and have had as much of an impact on my life. For reasons of my own I will name two, Chau Ngo and Trinh Nguyen.

When you take these two for example it shows you what makes a true friend. Both have seem me in my best times, when I'm able to help them, make them laugh, be fun, and the like. On the second half, they've seen me in my worst moments. I'm talking about me being drunk, me being an annoying freak, me being just a plain out jackass of a friend; and yet they've staid by my side the whole time, and for that I couldn't thank them more.

I know because of my friends, I continue to mature into a better person. I know that throughout my life, they will be my constant. That I will refuse to let that friendship simply die. I wanted more friendships like that though, and that's because I'm selfish and impatient. I wanted to speed the process of my maturing and 'aging'. Anyways, I need to end this because my power in my room will be out soon. I hope someone got something out of these words.

Later

hmm, how sad.
ya know, ive been too used to living without caring. ive been passing by my life living somewhat reclessly, but living as fully as possible without any regrets. but theres always an exception isnt there? theres always that one thing that binds us to humanity, to being a part of this world, and making us whole. theres this one and only regret that always mocks me, laughs at everything ive accomplished and failed at. and the sad thing is that its not that big a deal, but i blow it out of proportion and make my life a hell. what is this poson? what is this thing that makes me so distraught? the hell if i know. i dont know why im always affected in such a manner by simple words. words that cant escape me, words that i cant speak, that i cant find, that wont even let me mouth them, yet words that wont leave my mind. i try not to think the thoughts that wish to corrupt my mind, and take me from caring to plotting and just someone i dont want to be. was i happy by what came to be? am i happy? it depends on what you consider happy. the thoughts arent there, because theres no reason for them to exist. but the poisonous feelings are stronger. the words want to explode out of me, to bellow out of my mouth. the hell is deeper in me, rooting itself and yet i enjoy its presence and torment. id endure anything to keep it, to keep away the thoughts. as they say, im damned if i do and damned if i dont, better to stay with the one that gives me enjoyment.

on a side note, the model for the victoria's secret air-bra commercial is hot!

Current Mood: curious

restored resolve...
im losing sleep, and im falling to pieces... for some reason im just drained, but i enjoy it... i dont care about relationships anymore, yet i will continue on as i have been... i will wait for the day when that something special comes back, and if it doesnt i will simply move on... afterall the saying does go 'if you love someone set them free, they will come back if its meant to be'...

Current Mood: curious

butterflies...
ive made numerous mistakes regarding the butterfly ive been chasing after... its almost as if ive been reaching at her wings trying to tear them off... theres no band-aids to heal the wounds ive inflicted, and i cant rely on time to fix my blunders... as ive said before, im the happiest just talking to her, and me being as i am ive been pushing too hard... i need to relax, calm down, and simply wait for the butterfly to land on my finger or fly away rather than continue the chase... i can look back and see flaws and tell myself how to correct them, but carrying those instructions out is a different story...

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: the beatles - all the lonely people

james, you were right...
i hate to admit it man, but yea... i did care so much and thought that in the end she would too... i let my emotions control me after all that time it took to learn to do the opposite... now i feel like crap cause i understand that one-sided affection is nothing more than a waste of time... but you are a cruel bastard, if people enjoy the happiness theyre in, who are you to sit their and destroy it? how can you sit there and say you dont care about people at all? i knew what i was doing, i knew i will not benefit from it, i continue because it makes me feel good feeling as i do for her... i know how you once were, i know that some form of bad experience caused you to be how you are... i bet you were like me, hanging onto a dream, wishing she would feel remotely close to how you felt for her... the difference is i accept what will come from it, whether or not in the end she feels anything for me or not... i wont become a cold hearted person like you are now... james, you have hurt people and you say you dont care

...youre a bad liar...

Current Mood: crushed

something is wrong with me...
i am a complete idiot, just letting that out... how is it that one person can cause me so much harm, twist me so, and then destroy my happiness like its nothing? seriously, i dont understand how i do it to me every time... im talking about hating myself here, no one else... i need to find the words, i need to be able to know when a good time to speak is, and acknowledge the time i cant... god, im waiting for an embodiment of as close to angelic as i have seen; and lord only knows if its worth it!!! ive tried only once to stop waiting, when i thought my emotions had become stale, and everyone remembers the torment that brought... i feel like im walking on egg shells, but instead of being careful im walking on them with boots on and crushing every single one... i only want to make her happy, to make her smile and laugh, and feel the warmth and energy i get just from knowing shes there... unfortunately i always seem to mess it up, or at least feel like i did... god, i wish i could think more before i say anything, so i could analyze whats going on so that i dont be the regular idiot i am... grrr, im so infuriating!!!

Current Mood: nervous

:'(
so last night a convo went on between me and chau... i felt like crap cause i ended up arguing with her about something, and friends didnt really make me feel any better... turns out im conceited, incensitive, and dont look at the consequences of my actions... i feel shitty right now, because i dont like being any of those or even being considered them... i said i was sorry, but its still eating at me... this is part of why i hate myself, i act for the best and my actions sometimes get misconstrued making me look bad... so now im just pondering ways i can fix this... part of why i hate v-day: it gives me nothing but problems... i wish i analyzed things before they happened rather than after, that way i get less hassles...

Current Mood: crappy

today, was good!!!
so lets start at the beginning... i was afraid i wouldnt wake up in time, but i woke up at 5:30, plenty of time... left the house at 6:55 and took off for school... i got the breakfast i had promised, but didnt meet up with chau before first, so her breakfast was cold :(... i got a hug though, a real one, that made me smile way too much... what ive been waiting for happened, sparked by that... the raw-energy-flow-feeling i had this summer came back, and i was smiling almost all day... someone asked me if i was gay due to me smiling so much... i seriously havent felt this happy since the summer... if i could, i would buy her breakfast once a week, just so i could make her happy and get that hug that makes me melt and bounce off the walls with happiness... this is why i say i know what love is, regardless of the fact i am too young to grasp true love, i can still get a sense of some of its form and even if its one-sided; this is one of them...

Current Mood: giddy

being open is the best medicine, yet it causes the disease...
goddam it all to hell!!! i am in turmoil and its all my own making... love is a painful game, even if its not a deep love... i have dreams that never end well, making me feel even more lonely afterwards; my thoughts fade from what im concentrating on and drift on to her... no matter how many times i tell myself that i need to stop, i cant... i know well be parting ways soon, and it would be for my best intent to stop waiting, yet something deep within me says i might miss the best thing in all my life if i do... i am not desperate for attention or a relationship as some have come to suggest, simply put: i am feeling things that have sprouted and grown, rooting themselves deep inside my heart... as i look back on these things im saddened at the fact that these words will never be appreciated, and that she will never know these things or that it will mean nothing to her... gaaaah, i like being open with people and telling them exactly how i feel, yet it always leads to the same road... i jump too fast and end up falling, or in this case i feel like i bombarded her with my feelings... love causes so many problems (again, no matter what kind you look at); paranoia, sadness, over-energeticness (might annoy people; sorry tommy), etc.... yet we look to it, and seek it out because it is the single most uplifting feeling, and makes us feel whole... i know it made me feel that way when i first met her and started this infatuation... i am hopeless, no one can save me save for myself, and i enjoy it too much to let go... reminds me of a saying 'a person will chase something they want, no matter how fuitless it is; for that is how people are'... damn, valentines day is gonna suck ass...

futile attempts, but attempts nonetheless...
my heart wont let memories die and allow me to move on... constant reminders of how i used to feel and the growing feelings that are have long slumbered inside me are hitting me everyday... who would have known that by trying to hide from emotions, i would cause them to be stronger and to overwhelm me as the hurt from lack of excersise... funny that out of all the people ive ever had a crush on, the one that was more than anything else is the one that will haunt me and never have a chance... ah well, this is the price of having an overemotional heart and a mind that wont take no for an answer... sometimes im just a stubborn ass...

it wants to jump form my chest...
ok, as you can tell, these blogs are gonna be centered on my lovelife (or lack there of)... its only because i have xanga and myspace to release all my other thoughts into, and no one really looks here anymore... i couldnt sleep last night, because i sent a message to her trying to start clearing things up... the anxiety of me waiting for a response is killing me... my stomach is rejecting everything, feeling to small to fit anything in it... my heart has this weird feeling, first itll feel likes its rising up out of my chest and other times it will feel small, hollowed out and sinking in deeper... i enjoy these feelings, but they are driving me crazy!!! now i know why people say women cause them to drink, these feelings are uncontrollable and pleasing, yet scary and mysterious at the same time... the worst part is, i cant think straight... my thoughts get tangled as my mind wanders about... these feelings have been here all along, just restrained... its been a while since i felt them and i dont know why i ever wanted to get rid of them...

more whining about her, but thats what this is for...
i know shes forgotten about me, or at least how it was back then... i miss those times when it was ok to miss her as much as i do now... all the things i tride to hide from, everything i tried to use cindy to escape from have hit me harder than ever... my heart skips multiple beats upon seeing her, or beginning a conversation... i stay awake for hour(s) because it excites me so knowing ill see her the next day... the fire that burned inside me never went out, and i wish she could see it, that it was only resting and waiting to burn brighter consuming me...

if she ever sees this, i hope she doesnt think its out of despiration or something like that... this is nothing of the sort, its the same thing as before, sheer lovesickness... im losing weight because i cant eat or drink and my thoughts stray to her ALL DAY!!!

stupid stupid stupid michael!!!
i am a retard and a half... i have so tangled things that no one could believe what is going on... i seriously need to just straighten things out somehow, without losing her for good...

understandin the will of my heart is the first step...
i think i have just found the perfect girl for me... she is the female, asian, and >100x better looking version of me!!! i find myself dreaming more often, and more often than not my dreams are of her... i find myself staying online for hours waiting for her, just to talk... she is someone i can have active conversations with that last for hours... i know theres a lot of reasons why this wont work out, hell theres always so many reasons but this one seems to have more, but with her i think its worth it... we connect and find things in common so easily, and swiftly... she makes my blood run as if its full of raw energy everytime we talk, simply put; she makes my heart melt... i have felt a good deal of strong emotions in my life, both good and bad, but nothing compares to this... i know there is no such thing as love at first sight, and i find it amusing that i started falling for her through AIM, but i do believe that my feelings are true... if you can imagine my normal extensive energy multiplied tenfold about 20 times, youd realize just what my brain goes through thinking about her... this is more than just a crush, cause ive had plenty of those... to quote some old quote 'i feel like a giddy school boy!' :D

thank you for listening/reading this, i hope you find some meaning behind my words that are definitely not empty...

Current Mood: indescribable

you need to look here more often...
look, i made a promise a while ago, and i really need to keep up with it... i promised someone to be there for someone else when the time came, and i still feel that no matter how much i try, i havent been able to be there for those when theyve needed someone to talk to... i owe a great deal to friends, especially this one, and i need to start giving back...

(408) 499 1564

no one i dont know will be looking at this, so i give you my cell number... if ever someone out there needs someone to talk to, take no pause in calling me, i dont think i ever have my phone off... i wish to be there for all of you when you need a friends, after all thats what friends are for... thanks for all youve done for me, and i hope i can return all the favors!!!

Current Mood: grateful

once again, this sucks
after all ive been through i can honestly say im still human because i still feel pain... same old emo story that everyones gone through at some point, but i have to exploit mine so i can feel comforted as people sit there pitying me... why do i keep doing it?!?! why cant i just accept things that will simply never change, close my heart, become a numb puppet as im only destined to be? why must i seek others help in feeling better for the sole fact that i cannot aid my own wounds... i confuse myself as im taking opposing sides just writing this... i wish my life would unravel itself so i could put myself to rest knowing that all will either end miserably or well... insomnia has reached an all-time high as i recieved the news yesterday... i got NO sleep whatsoever... spent 6-7 hours satring at my ceiling, begging for sleep to overcome me... why am i such a headcase? why do i complicate complicated things to such a level that i will never understand them through my own complications?!?! more venting must be done, in hopes to reclaim sleep...

Current Mood: crushed

hooray for today?
today was better than i anticipated... school passed by rather swiftly, and i was glad for that, i am in no mood to deal with a bunch of shit that i know im gonna have to face sooner or later... insomnia is claiming my mind as i find it harder and harder to pass out on my oh-so-comfortable bed... i will never touch pills, i just have to find a way to beat it like last time... think it might me caused subconciously though, cause thats how it was last time... someone dear to me hurt me, and i couldnt sleep right for 2-3 months... wish things werent this complicated and everything that was wrong in my life would just spell itself out, but that would ruin the whole 'game' of life wouldnt it?

geuss ill be seeing you foos later, thanks for all the support youve given me... littl by little its been paying off!!!

Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: BNL

meh, this is will be the first of many...
huh, geuss i should start now, right? today was horrible... right when i think ive found a meaning in my pathetic life by being there for my friends, im hit with a major slap in the face... i suddenly find myself in a place where all available roads lead to pain, betrayal, and anguish... it sounds like a lame movie when i put it that way... all i know is that im finding it hard to enjoy my life in long strides... ill find hundreds of little gaps that will make me happy, and ill be at peace... then im hit a with the truth that no matter how hard i try, everything i love, enjoy, and am interested in end up getting destroyed or lost to me in their own way...

holy crap, that was a lot of ranting... trust me, its not always gonna be this way... if it kills me, i will find what im looking and waiting for... i will find my path again...

Current Mood: crushed

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