Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in asadexistence's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, September 8th, 2009
9:12 pm	first post since BMT a lots happened. friends lost, ive grown up a bit, and i seriously dont want to fall for anyone ever again. i dont know how to tell the people who know what ive wanted for so long; love, happiness, but not the typical fairy tale shit. ill take my good with the bad, and stride through it all in the end. but i dont want that anymore; im sick of thinking ive found it and getting hurt. no, im not weak, and im not 'just giving up'. i just want to not care anymore, if that makes sense im tired of getting fucked up on emotion. of becoming an addict of the feeling and ecstasy. im tired of feeling like a used condom; full of shit and unwanted. fuck how i feel, my future will be without what i wanted. i have friends, thats all i really need right now. fuck relationships and actually feeling something (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
2:44 am	though it may be unrequitted; its who i am So as anyone who might read this knows by now; I'm pretty much head over heels for someone too wonderful for words. She's been through so much in the past couple of months, and yet she still finds time to smile and make my day glorious. She's the one person I'd be willing to wait half my lifetime for just one chance. And I don't mean a guarantee of a chance; I mean it-might-not-work-out-but-you-have-a-shot. All my life I've believed in the glories love would bring, how I knew it would make me into a better person. It's kinda funny how I didn't notice the changes at first; how much I looked forward to hearing from her, how much my language cleaned up (those of you who know me know how much of a miracle that is), how I was a much more positive person. I know she doesn't feel the same way, but I'm happy with being a part of her life. Not content, mind you; but happy nonetheless. In only 10 days I will be visiting this heaven sent angel, and I'm way too nervous. I've never not known how to handle a situation, or at least not have a 'wing-it plan'. This is a strange new frontier for me, and every day I get happier with my life, but saddened that I'm not close enough to her for my own liking. Don't get me wrong, as long as she's happy, then I can proudly wear a smile on my face. Last week was hard on me. I was trying desperately to persuade her that he would come back. Each of my own words making a dent in my heart, not to mention the constant reminder of how much she wanted him. We became closer during that week; and I couldn't have asked for more. It was the one time in my life I wasn't thinking about how much I wanted to be with her, I was too focused on making the one I cared for most stop hurting. Each night I laid in bed wishing, praying, and begging God to let her pain go away; that I was willing to pay any price. I know a lot of people will say I'm taking things too far, or that I'm not taking control of my emotions; but when have I ever? I'm a very flow-y person, I let things come as they are and adapt to them as best I can. It just so happens she came and turned my world upside down and proceeded to shake it. It's almost 3, and all I can do is lay down with the playlist I made her, and the videos she sent me. Not in an obsessive manner as that may suggest, but as a reminder that I'm not dreaming yet. I had a dream earlier, one of those rare ones where you live a lifetime; which, in reality, really only lasts 5 minutes. I went and visited her, came back to be stationed in Cali. After a year we started dating, and as soon as I finished my years in the service, we had the wonderful wedding we had planned so long ago. We were parents by the time I was 29, and had 3 children by the time I was 35. I remember everything as vividly as if it had really happened. Which kinda sucks, because I don't like living in the future too much; I get my hopes up more than anyone I know. I'm gonna try heading to bed now, I just needed to get all these thoughts out of my head and see if anyone actually reads this. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 30th, 2009
1:19 am	hmm There can be happiness in misery. I don't mean this as in eternal suffering; but as in being miserable with your current standing, but happy that you have the people in your life. My goal for now is to be incandescently happy, it's her wish (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
5:30 pm	I hate thinking with my heart and living with my brain. I don't know who reads this, as it's been a long time since I updated. I'm a little scared to post, but constant thoughts and occurrences need to be let out. So I really hope she isn't reading this, cause the is the epitome of the things on my mind, and a lot of it is really judgmental. First off, I hate that showing how you care makes you sweet and nice; but you will always remain the friend. I know I don't really know her, but isn't that what adoration is? Not knowing someone completely, yet completely having fallen for them? And that makes is blind love; which is not a word I like. I don't think today's adaptation of that word is truly meaningful; when we think of it it brings with it pain and constant struggle and yet we still cling to it. Maybe it's because I'm on the outside looking in, but to me love is endless happiness, going through the struggles knowing the person you love is there with you, and that no matter what goes down the two will make it throughout. I hate that word because I think I've felt it before; twice. The butterflies in the stomach at the mention of her, the inability to eat, drink, or sleep as long as I 'see' her that day; yea I've felt that. Both have gone down the same road. Both have made me a good friend in their life. And yes, being part of her life makes me happier than anything in the world, and I know it's selfish; but I want more. I don't want her reading this because I want her to be happy, and not know that I think this way, because I like her not worrying. She has someone else in her life. Someone else to make her happy, someone to show her he cares, someone to make her eyes light up; and it wouldn't hurt as much if it were true. But everything I've heard make me think he's a jerk. And I shouldn't be thinking this way. It's not my call. And so my mind becomes a fight of what I want for her, and why should I be the one to decide that. I don't know why; but I've felt it since the first conversation we had, and it's built since. I know I'm immature and that planning your life around someone you've never met is irresponsible; but I have a harsh feeling in my heart that she's important enough for that. I know I'm lonely, but I'm not at the same time. I'm not looking for love, or someone to be with. I'm content with my life, and have complaints; but that's me. I don't know why, but things just seem... I don't know. I wish I knew more. I wish I hadn't fucked my life up so early. Maybe if I had known about her earlier I would've worked harder. Well, my hearts sunk pretty low right now from the thought of all this. Two women have caused these thoughts. Both amazing. Both so beautiful. But her; it's just so much more. Of the two, she's the one who makes my heart plunge deeper when she's not here, whenever I think of how far away she is, or how much she's in love with him. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 6th, 2008
12:31 am	me the arrogant punk. the retarded kid. the person everyone simply watches and pities. lately, these all seem to be great synonyms for me. im tired of it, i really am. every time i hang out with my friends it seems the same way; me just being awkwardly present. especially when everyone around me seems so happy; and though so am i, i struggle a lot. so much shit is constantly spiraling in my mind, so much pressure thats unwanted, so much anguish SELF INFLICTED. and yes, im whining, DEAL WITH IT. i don this smile, and i really am happy. i love my life, i love the way its going, and in a way im a masochist. the reason is, because i feel so alive when im in pain. im not talking physical; i mean emotional distress. maybe its cause i cant cry, or that im a guy and were supposed to be rocks; but when something goes so wrong that my heart sinks and my mind goes white with blinding pain, i enjoy it. i enjoy it as much as i enjoy talking with someone i feel emotionally connected to, someone who i cant help but want to think of what might be. things need to stop. i need to stop. i need control. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 12th, 2008
1:46 am	torn apart, sewn together so ive been rethinking everything lately. there are two females right now that are completely making me miserable. theyre making me miserable because i see no reason in pursuing either one, yet at the same time i dont want to stop. should i name them? by naming them i solidify them into my life, by keeping them nameless i keep my dignity by not looking like a chump (more like keepin my cowardice by not sharing who they are and letting their identities remain a secret). anyways, one of them ive had on/off feelings for for a little over 2 years now. i find her amazing as i am constantly wanting to impress her and yet remain unable to. it makes the pursuit that much more fun and yet irritating at the same time. im constantly looking for her approval though i know i dont need it. she makes me feel great about being a dork/idiot yet sad about not pushing myself harder when it comes to working. the other one is plain cute, and ive had the typical high school crush on her since junior year. with her, i try to prove that ill always be there for her, that no matter what ill protect her when she needs it and give her my hand when she reaches out. shes opened up to me and i to her, though i hav a funny feeling itll remain in the 'just friends' position for eternity. things with her are always so amazing, because she completely accepts me for who/what i am, even all my wrong doings. anyway, these recent exposures have shown me that emotions are beyond confusing and that it remains stupid to force them on ourselves. im not desperate, and i dont fall for everyone i meet; i mean, its not like im throwing myself out there just for the sake of a relationship, im doing it because a) these affections are real and are not forced out and b)ive never been in a real relationship and im curious. id like to know peoples reactions to this,so please respond and ill keep in contact! Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2008
12:07 pm	meh been bored a lot lately. when i went into my strength development class i pissed chris and eddie off. chris says he knows whats best, but i want to push myself. that was wednesday. had a nice lil chat with chau that night that will never be repeated to ANYONE! jenn stayed home thursday, which pissed ME off cause she acts like she rules the house. went to indy during their lunch and handed ngoc her poster. she seems to have changed so much since i last saw her, but then again i barely got to know her then, so yeeeaaa. met up with tung as well, and i have to say i really missed that bastard! wondering if hes headed out to warped tour and if so if he wants to chill together over there. that night i chilled with trinh. i missed her so much. i havent seen her in what felt like months, and she had a surprise waiting for me; a RECORD OF THE POLICE!!! (for those of you who dont know, theyre a band). she was worried i wouldnt be able to use it, but luckily i have myself a phonograph!!! w00t! had another unexpectedly opening chat with her, much like i did with chau. its really interesting at how much these two affect my life. that night we went out to get some ice cream, i called up work to ask for the next night off or switch shifts. i was able to switch with someone working booth in the morning. the next day i woke up at like 7, and didnt have work til 10:45. of course me being me. i left at 10, got there at like 10:10, but the other manager didnt show up (well, she was locked in the office and no one knew it cause we cant disable the alarm to get in there). work was rather calm and all, and seemed to go by slowly but smoothly. someone ate the ice cream i had bought natalie and all, so i had to run out to mcdonalds again. i show up to her house and meet her mom and sister. gotta say, shes got a cool family compared to my other female friends who have all treated me like crap cause they think im trying to get their daughter pregnant and all (ambers been the only exception). went home, kicked back two shots of crown without feeling a thing. talked to ngoc for a while and told the whole crappy bit about my luck with the ladies. so far shes the only one ive told who hasnt laughed at me in the end. checked the fridge and someone drank the goddam unopened sierra mist that lance left. according to everyone, no one drank it, yet almost half of it is gone after it was unopened when i left. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
11:26 pm	its been hella long. Allow me to start this with a note of disclaimer. I mean no offense to anyone with the following, and everything I write here must be taken into account. Thank you and I hope you continue reading. Now that that's over allow me to truly start with an apology. For one reason or another I have not gained trust. Why this is, I don't know. I guess it might be because I'm too open with people and it scares them away from trusting me, or that it's the fact that I misconstrue things which leads to worry and me blowing things out of proportion. This will not be in defense of either as I know I tell too much about myself from the getgo and that I worry and jump to conclusions too fast. I just wonder because it seems though I am constantly opening up to everyone, it seems that no one is opening up to me. I know myself that as of right now I want people reading this. I want as many people as possible to know more about me, because I feel there is a lack of understanding. For example, there are only four people besides my family that I will ever openly say I love unconditionally and it's because they are pretty much the only people who have opened up to me and have had as much of an impact on my life. For reasons of my own I will name two, Chau Ngo and Trinh Nguyen. When you take these two for example it shows you what makes a true friend. Both have seem me in my best times, when I'm able to help them, make them laugh, be fun, and the like. On the second half, they've seen me in my worst moments. I'm talking about me being drunk, me being an annoying freak, me being just a plain out jackass of a friend; and yet they've staid by my side the whole time, and for that I couldn't thank them more. I know because of my friends, I continue to mature into a better person. I know that throughout my life, they will be my constant. That I will refuse to let that friendship simply die. I wanted more friendships like that though, and that's because I'm selfish and impatient. I wanted to speed the process of my maturing and 'aging'. Anyways, I need to end this because my power in my room will be out soon. I hope someone got something out of these words. Later (Comment on this)
Monday, November 12th, 2007
9:03 pm	hmm, how sad. ya know, ive been too used to living without caring. ive been passing by my life living somewhat reclessly, but living as fully as possible without any regrets. but theres always an exception isnt there? theres always that one thing that binds us to humanity, to being a part of this world, and making us whole. theres this one and only regret that always mocks me, laughs at everything ive accomplished and failed at. and the sad thing is that its not that big a deal, but i blow it out of proportion and make my life a hell. what is this poson? what is this thing that makes me so distraught? the hell if i know. i dont know why im always affected in such a manner by simple words. words that cant escape me, words that i cant speak, that i cant find, that wont even let me mouth them, yet words that wont leave my mind. i try not to think the thoughts that wish to corrupt my mind, and take me from caring to plotting and just someone i dont want to be. was i happy by what came to be? am i happy? it depends on what you consider happy. the thoughts arent there, because theres no reason for them to exist. but the poisonous feelings are stronger. the words want to explode out of me, to bellow out of my mouth. the hell is deeper in me, rooting itself and yet i enjoy its presence and torment. id endure anything to keep it, to keep away the thoughts. as they say, im damned if i do and damned if i dont, better to stay with the one that gives me enjoyment. on a side note, the model for the victoria's secret air-bra commercial is hot! Current Mood: curious (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 20th, 2007
8:33 pm	restored resolve... im losing sleep, and im falling to pieces... for some reason im just drained, but i enjoy it... i dont care about relationships anymore, yet i will continue on as i have been... i will wait for the day when that something special comes back, and if it doesnt i will simply move on... afterall the saying does go 'if you love someone set them free, they will come back if its meant to be'... Current Mood: curious (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
12:18 pm	butterflies... ive made numerous mistakes regarding the butterfly ive been chasing after... its almost as if ive been reaching at her wings trying to tear them off... theres no band-aids to heal the wounds ive inflicted, and i cant rely on time to fix my blunders... as ive said before, im the happiest just talking to her, and me being as i am ive been pushing too hard... i need to relax, calm down, and simply wait for the butterfly to land on my finger or fly away rather than continue the chase... i can look back and see flaws and tell myself how to correct them, but carrying those instructions out is a different story... Current Mood: crushed Current Music: the beatles - all the lonely people (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
9:02 pm	james, you were right... i hate to admit it man, but yea... i did care so much and thought that in the end she would too... i let my emotions control me after all that time it took to learn to do the opposite... now i feel like crap cause i understand that one-sided affection is nothing more than a waste of time... but you are a cruel bastard, if people enjoy the happiness theyre in, who are you to sit their and destroy it? how can you sit there and say you dont care about people at all? i knew what i was doing, i knew i will not benefit from it, i continue because it makes me feel good feeling as i do for her... i know how you once were, i know that some form of bad experience caused you to be how you are... i bet you were like me, hanging onto a dream, wishing she would feel remotely close to how you felt for her... the difference is i accept what will come from it, whether or not in the end she feels anything for me or not... i wont become a cold hearted person like you are now... james, you have hurt people and you say you dont care ...youre a bad liar... Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Monday, February 5th, 2007
8:27 pm	something is wrong with me... i am a complete idiot, just letting that out... how is it that one person can cause me so much harm, twist me so, and then destroy my happiness like its nothing? seriously, i dont understand how i do it to me every time... im talking about hating myself here, no one else... i need to find the words, i need to be able to know when a good time to speak is, and acknowledge the time i cant... god, im waiting for an embodiment of as close to angelic as i have seen; and lord only knows if its worth it!!! ive tried only once to stop waiting, when i thought my emotions had become stale, and everyone remembers the torment that brought... i feel like im walking on egg shells, but instead of being careful im walking on them with boots on and crushing every single one... i only want to make her happy, to make her smile and laugh, and feel the warmth and energy i get just from knowing shes there... unfortunately i always seem to mess it up, or at least feel like i did... god, i wish i could think more before i say anything, so i could analyze whats going on so that i dont be the regular idiot i am... grrr, im so infuriating!!! Current Mood: nervous (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
11:31 am	:'( so last night a convo went on between me and chau... i felt like crap cause i ended up arguing with her about something, and friends didnt really make me feel any better... turns out im conceited, incensitive, and dont look at the consequences of my actions... i feel shitty right now, because i dont like being any of those or even being considered them... i said i was sorry, but its still eating at me... this is part of why i hate myself, i act for the best and my actions sometimes get misconstrued making me look bad... so now im just pondering ways i can fix this... part of why i hate v-day: it gives me nothing but problems... i wish i analyzed things before they happened rather than after, that way i get less hassles... Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
10:12 pm	today, was good!!! so lets start at the beginning... i was afraid i wouldnt wake up in time, but i woke up at 5:30, plenty of time... left the house at 6:55 and took off for school... i got the breakfast i had promised, but didnt meet up with chau before first, so her breakfast was cold :(... i got a hug though, a real one, that made me smile way too much... what ive been waiting for happened, sparked by that... the raw-energy-flow-feeling i had this summer came back, and i was smiling almost all day... someone asked me if i was gay due to me smiling so much... i seriously havent felt this happy since the summer... if i could, i would buy her breakfast once a week, just so i could make her happy and get that hug that makes me melt and bounce off the walls with happiness... this is why i say i know what love is, regardless of the fact i am too young to grasp true love, i can still get a sense of some of its form and even if its one-sided; this is one of them... Current Mood: giddy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
10:16 pm	being open is the best medicine, yet it causes the disease... goddam it all to hell!!! i am in turmoil and its all my own making... love is a painful game, even if its not a deep love... i have dreams that never end well, making me feel even more lonely afterwards; my thoughts fade from what im concentrating on and drift on to her... no matter how many times i tell myself that i need to stop, i cant... i know well be parting ways soon, and it would be for my best intent to stop waiting, yet something deep within me says i might miss the best thing in all my life if i do... i am not desperate for attention or a relationship as some have come to suggest, simply put: i am feeling things that have sprouted and grown, rooting themselves deep inside my heart... as i look back on these things im saddened at the fact that these words will never be appreciated, and that she will never know these things or that it will mean nothing to her... gaaaah, i like being open with people and telling them exactly how i feel, yet it always leads to the same road... i jump too fast and end up falling, or in this case i feel like i bombarded her with my feelings... love causes so many problems (again, no matter what kind you look at); paranoia, sadness, over-energeticness (might annoy people; sorry tommy), etc.... yet we look to it, and seek it out because it is the single most uplifting feeling, and makes us feel whole... i know it made me feel that way when i first met her and started this infatuation... i am hopeless, no one can save me save for myself, and i enjoy it too much to let go... reminds me of a saying 'a person will chase something they want, no matter how fuitless it is; for that is how people are'... damn, valentines day is gonna suck ass... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 10th, 2007
9:05 pm	futile attempts, but attempts nonetheless... my heart wont let memories die and allow me to move on... constant reminders of how i used to feel and the growing feelings that are have long slumbered inside me are hitting me everyday... who would have known that by trying to hide from emotions, i would cause them to be stronger and to overwhelm me as the hurt from lack of excersise... funny that out of all the people ive ever had a crush on, the one that was more than anything else is the one that will haunt me and never have a chance... ah well, this is the price of having an overemotional heart and a mind that wont take no for an answer... sometimes im just a stubborn ass... (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 6th, 2007
1:09 pm	it wants to jump form my chest... ok, as you can tell, these blogs are gonna be centered on my lovelife (or lack there of)... its only because i have xanga and myspace to release all my other thoughts into, and no one really looks here anymore... i couldnt sleep last night, because i sent a message to her trying to start clearing things up... the anxiety of me waiting for a response is killing me... my stomach is rejecting everything, feeling to small to fit anything in it... my heart has this weird feeling, first itll feel likes its rising up out of my chest and other times it will feel small, hollowed out and sinking in deeper... i enjoy these feelings, but they are driving me crazy!!! now i know why people say women cause them to drink, these feelings are uncontrollable and pleasing, yet scary and mysterious at the same time... the worst part is, i cant think straight... my thoughts get tangled as my mind wanders about... these feelings have been here all along, just restrained... its been a while since i felt them and i dont know why i ever wanted to get rid of them... (Comment on this)
Friday, January 5th, 2007
8:22 pm	more whining about her, but thats what this is for... i know shes forgotten about me, or at least how it was back then... i miss those times when it was ok to miss her as much as i do now... all the things i tride to hide from, everything i tried to use cindy to escape from have hit me harder than ever... my heart skips multiple beats upon seeing her, or beginning a conversation... i stay awake for hour(s) because it excites me so knowing ill see her the next day... the fire that burned inside me never went out, and i wish she could see it, that it was only resting and waiting to burn brighter consuming me... if she ever sees this, i hope she doesnt think its out of despiration or something like that... this is nothing of the sort, its the same thing as before, sheer lovesickness... im losing weight because i cant eat or drink and my thoughts stray to her ALL DAY!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
10:46 pm	stupid stupid stupid michael!!! i am a retard and a half... i have so tangled things that no one could believe what is going on... i seriously need to just straighten things out somehow, without losing her for good... (Comment on this)